Does Love Conquer All?
In working with couples, I have experienced the highs and lows of people in love. It’s actually an honor to witness the determination some couples have in healing their relationships. They arrive in therapy with their hearts hurting and their hopes diminished-looking for something to create a spark. They sit in front of me divided-part of them has given up and part of them wants to try.
In watching the HBO series, Tell Me You Love Me, I am pleased to see how the therapeutic process is shown in a rare light. The couples depicted in the series believe they are in love yet in therapy, when that love is examined, the pain in their relationship emerges. It is a shock for them and for many real life couples to realize that love itself does not conquer all. It does not conquer issues such as mistrust, broken promises, emotional or physical abuse. In my experience, consistent action combined with love is what heals those wounds.
Alexander Lowen, the well known bioenergetic therapist said that love blossoms with security. The security in knowing that when someone tells you they will be faithful, true to their word and present in the relationship, then that is what they will be. It’s not a matter of expecting perfection; it’s a matter of knowing that the person you love is someone you can have healthy dependence on. Healthy dependency occurs when you believe and know from experience that the person you are involved with will behave in a trustworthy manner a majority of the time. This is not to be confused with co-dependency, which is the giving up of your sense of self for the needs of another person. Healthy dependency provides couples with the comfort of knowing that someone else respects and yes loves you enough to honor your needs.
Couples who communicate what they want from each other and understand the importance of action plus love, can create a strong foundation. In the long run, knowing that another person has your best interests at heart goes along way towards having a healthy relationship.
